80+ Funny Valentine Quotes and Jokes

Looking for funny Valentine’s sayings? We have rounded up the best collection of funny Valentine sayings, quotes, captions, jokes, one-liners (with images and pictures) to express your love with a pinch of humor.

Valentine’s Day celebrated on 14th February every year is a big day to express your love to your significant one (be it boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, life, parents, children more) A big list of cheesy Valentine’s Day sayings, including puns, pickup lines, and poems. These cornball expressions will definitely make you laugh.

Related: Cute Valentine’s Sayings

You can add humor to your card, gifts, and even Instagram posts with these silly and funny Valentine’s Day quotes, sayings, jokes and more to make your loved one smile.

Funny Valentine’s Day Sayings

“Love is a grave mental illness.” – Plato
“Love is being stupid together.” – Paul Valery
“I love you and it’s getting worse.”
“Valentine’s Day is the poet’s holiday.” – Ted Koosner
“I love making friends. It’s people I can’t stand.” – Linus
“The bravest thing that men do is love women.” – Mort Sahl
“The art of love is largely the art of persistence.” – Albert Ellis
“Man loves little and often. Woman much and rarely.” – Basta
“Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.” – Lynda Barry
“Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.” – Oscar Wilde
“My feelings for you no words can tell Except for maybe ‘Go To Hell’.”
“It wasn’t loved at first sight. It took a full five minutes.” – Lucille Ball
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?” – Lily Tomlin
“Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.” – H. L. Mencken
“Of loving beauty, you float with grace If only you could hide your face.”
“You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.” – Henny Youngman
“What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime …”
“Kind, intelligent, loving and hot This describes everything you are not.”
“I love your smile, your face, and your eyes Damn, I’m good at telling lies!”
“Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing.” – Helen Rowland
“When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.”- Mark Twain
“What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork.”- Pearl Bailey
“Today is Valentine’s Day. Or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day.”- Jay Leno
“Without Valentine’s Day, February would be…well, January.” – Jim Gaffigan
“I want to feel your sweet embrace But don’t take that paper bag off of your face.”
“My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way?”
“To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia.” – H.L. Mencken
“One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love.”- Sophocles
“Valentine’s Day is when a lot of people are reminded what a poor shot Cupid really is.”
“The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post.” – George Bernard Shaw
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.”- Tim Allen
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” – Charles M. Schulz
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?” – Jean Illsley Clarke
“Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.” – Jules Renard
“A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.” – Brendan Francis
“You are never alone on Valentine’s Day if you’re near a lake and have bread.”- Mike Primavera
“Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on x-rays, but you know it’s there.” – George Burns
“My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem, but they don’t really know me.” – Garry Shandling
“Because when we love, we always strive to become better than we are.”- Paulo Coelho in The Alchemist
“A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love.” – Friedrich Nietzsche
“Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.” – W. Somerset Maugham
“I’m tired of love; I’m still more tired of rhyme, but money gives me pleasure all the time.”- Hilaire Belloc
“Love is not blind; it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less.” – Julius Gordon
“Love is like a river, always changing, but always finding you again somewhere down the road.”- Kelly Elaine
“A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; A woman loses hers after four.’ kisses.”- H.L. Mencken
“Love is the name of an irrepressible moment formed inside one complete pulsation of a heart” – Munia Khan
“The brain is the most outstanding organ. It works 24/7, 365 from birth until you fall in love.” – Sophie Monroe
True love comes quietly without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.”- Erich Segal
“A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.” – Ingrid Bergman
“The thing about Valentine’s day is that people discover who are single and who to feel jealous of.” – Faye Morgan
“You know how people say, “you can’t live without love”? Well, oxygen is even more important.” – Dr. Gregory Houser
“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.” – Joan Crawford
“Valentine’s Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don’t have a special someone, you’re alone.” – Lewis Black
“Valentine’s Sayings which involve Humour and Lies I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother.”
“I like to keep Valentine’s dinner light so you don’t crash after and can keep the fun going through the night!”- Camilla Alves
“Would I rather be feared or loved? Umm… easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” – Michael Scott
“There’s a certain part of the contented majority who love anybody who is worth a billion dollars.” – John Kenneth Galbraith
“A broke man’s lover doesn’t feel “loved” on her Birthday, Christmas, and, on Valentine’s Day.”- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“Valentine’s Day: Rubbing singles’ noses in their lack of a mate and the noses of couples in their lack of time.”- Emma McLaughlin
“Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.” – Judith Viorst
“Remember, your Valentine’s card shows you care enough to send the very best, even though you’re too lazy to put it in your own words.” – Melanie White
“Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.”
“I got Valentine’s Day card from my girl. It said, ‘Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!’ Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.” – Robert Orben
“I think men and women will both agree that one of the perks of being single on Valentine’s Day is that you get to keep your money in your pocket.”- Sevyn Streeter
“The whole Valentine’s thing is fine, but you don’t back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable.”- Lewis Black
“I think they should create a holiday for friends-with-benefits relationships. Because I feel like Valentine’s Day is, maybe it’s a day to stay home and cry.”- Elizabeth Meriwether
“I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.”
“This is my saddest story: In grade school, they would have us open our Valentine’s cards and read them out loud. I always sent cards to myself because nobody else did.”- William Shatner
“Ever have that one friend who gets a Valentine’s Day gift for their mother? Doesn’t that freak you out a little? It’s like, “I don’t know how to break this to you but I think she’s banging your dad!”- Russ Meneve
“I’m sentimental about many things: the lumpy feel of a baby’s unused feet, the metallic smell of the air before the first snow, the last scene in ‘It’s a Wonderful Life.’ But Valentine’s Day leaves me cold.”- Nancy Gibbs
“It is probably not loved that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.” – Fred Allen

Funny Valentines Quotes On Relationship And Marriage

“Love is blind. Marriage is the eye-opener.” – Pauline Thomason
“I see your face when I am dreaming. That’s why I always wake up screaming.”
“If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something.”- Fran Lebowitz
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” – Phyllis Diller
“I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.” – Woody Allen
“A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
“As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy.” – Ralphie May
“I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.” – Dorothy Parker
“I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell my children that, they just about throw up.”- Barbara Bush
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” – Groucho Marx
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”- Kathy Mohnke
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”- Rita Rudner
“Last Valentine’s Day, my wife told me I could tie her up and do whatever I wanted, so I tied her up and went and played golf.”
“By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates
“Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.” – Helen Rowland
“An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” – Agatha Christie
“Love doesn’t drop on you unexpectedly; you have to give off signals, sort of like an amateur radio operator.” – Helen Gurley Brown
“Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.” – Samuel Johnson
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell
“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” – Albert Einstein
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.” – Chelsea Handler
“The jewelry stores say, “Tell your wife you love her with a diamond,” while wives tell you they love you with, “Ok, but just because it’s Valentine’s Day.” – George Lopez
“One advantage of marriage, it seems to me, is that when you fall out of love with him, or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until maybe you fall in again.” – Judith Viorst
“Any guy hates Valentine’s Day. Even if you’re in love, you can’t win on Valentine’s Day. If you’re married, you can’t win on Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day is like the thing you want to avoid at all costs.”- Vince Vaughn